4 years ago God made it very clear to me that I needed to start this blog.  He wanted the pain I endured as a woman living a godless life to have purpose.  He was redeeming my story and in my soul I knew it would lead others to that same redemption.  And while God is so faithful and has continued to redeem my story, I still need daily redemption and forgiveness.  So today, I’m not just asking God for His forgiveness but I’m asking my readers as well.

A little back story on me.  For the last 37 years of my life I’ve lived in blissful ignorance of politics.  I stayed clear of it and always said “God is on the throne and that’s all I need to know.” But in light of current events, I was pushed into knowing what a Democrat means and what a Republican means. Much like all of us, I was pushed into witnessing what couldn’t be ignored.  What makes us each relate to one side more than the other?  Well, the media, the political parties and ultimately the devil would make us believe that it’s because “one side has a heart and the other side doesn’t.”

I struggled with this narrative so much.  At first I believed it. I was angry and it showed in my life and then it ended up in social media. While sometimes my feelings were valid, there were other times I ended up engaging in the darkness. For this, I am sorry.

But I kept praying about it.  I love people so much on both sides, so I had to keep reaffirming to myself that people had to have their reasons and that this narrative just couldn’t be true.  I was missing something. What was I missing? I kept asking God repeatedly. I even joined Facebook groups. One called “Conservative Women” and the other called “Being Liberal.” I wanted to understand so badly.  Then some new crazy thing would happen and I’d get sucked back into my own viewpoint and let the darkness overwhelm me.  For this, I am sorry. 

And then I’d end up here: “Hey God, I think I screwed up again.  I’m so sorry.  But what the heck am I missing!?” No joke, I think I’ve literally said this prayer at least 70 times in the last 4 months.  God wasn’t silent even though I thought he was. Looking back he kept giving me the answer but the other voices were SO LOUD! I couldn’t turn on the TV or answer a text without the other “voices” putting this stuff in my face.

But then you learn…

As I traveled along these last few months, I’ve learned a lot.  Not in the most lovely way but I have learned even if it was by fire.

I’ve learned I was holding people to a standard of perfection and not a standard of grace. At times I held myself up as righteous, as if I knew the right way for sure. And I’ve held you with no grace at all. For this, I am sorry. 

We are living in tense times and assigning each other to a side then stamping each other with labels, leaving no room for error. One thing I know for sure is that this is devil.  I also know another thing for sure. That no matter what “side” you are on- you have a heart!  I know that just because you identify with one parties values, we could still be friends.  And whether you are black or white, want to kneel or stand, protest or stay home, mask or unmask, I want to love you and I do. And even more importantly, I want to see you standing in heaven next to me and us be enjoying eternity together.

So what I’m trying to say here is, I screwed up.  My intention has always been to share my journey as to lead the way for others to know Jesus. But I know I hurt feelings and pushed people away.  I am so imperfect and that’s why I need a savior. Thinking I was always “right” was wrong.  Neither side is right. There’s only one righteous way and that can’t be found in a party or person but only in prayer and Word.

I put politics on the throne when that was God’s rightful place.  I allowed my feelings and opinions to be more important to me than what God was trying to remind me of. That He is faithful.  That He is on the throne and He has the whole world in his hands.  I didn’t trust Him, which made me part of the dark world I was trying to be a light in and for this, I’m so sorry.